Dating is tough stuff for any teen, and being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning (LGBTQ) can add to the challenge. Should you be “out” as a couple? How do you deal with other people’s reactions? But first things first — how do you find other LGBT teens to potentially date?
Meet and Greet
Fortunately, nowadays, meeting other LGBTQ teens is easier than ever. Here are a few places to start:
1. Friends
Getting a friend to fix you up is often the easiest way to go. Friends can usually set you up with other LGBTQ teens they know and trust.
2. School
Bigger schools or those in urban areas tend to have larger LGBTQ communities, but there are LGBTQ teens in schools across the country. Many urban areas have LGBTQ community centers. Many schools have afterschool organizations for LGBTQ students as well as gay-straight alliances, but if yours doesn’t, you can also check out local community groups, where it’s possible to meet gay teens from many different schools. Check your local yellow pages under “Health and Human Services” and then under “Gay and Lesbian.”
3. Online
Some LGBTQ teens find each other online, which can be the fastest way to connect with others in your area. “In my school, in Illinois, there aren’t many gay teens,” says Jeff, 16. “I went online last year and met a guy who lived two hours away. We mostly chatted online or over the phone, but we ended up dating like that for three months and it was really great.”
Like any online community, however, make sure you are being safe and not revealing too much about yourself since you never know who’s on the other end of your computer connection! Keep in mind that many people who you meet online aren’t who they claim to be.
So, rule one, don’t give out any information like your name, phone number, address, or identify your school. And don’t share info about friends, either. If you do decide to get together with an online friend, make sure you proceed with caution. Don’t go meet someone at a hotel or house. Meet only in a very safe, public environment, like a shopping mall, or a fast-food restaurant. To be extra safe, bring a friend along.
Also, let your family or a friend know where you’ll be. Use your own transportation, or make sure you have money reserved to get back, in case things don’t go as you hope and you want to make an early exit.
Pairing Off, Coming Out
After you start dating someone, you might be confronted with some difficult issues. One of the biggest concerns is how “out” you want to be as a couple. This means, how many people do you want to know that you are a romantic couple?
This can be tricky when the two people in the relationship have different opinions about how out they want to be. One person may want to be completely out, but the other may want the relationship to stay private. Most people prefer being out only to folks they know they can trust. They know that the stigma, wrong as it is, about being gay can make life difficult for a long time.
Often, the best strategy is to go slow and compromise. Going slow lets couples and individuals check out the scene and carry out damage control if necessary. And compromising on this issue and many others is the key to making any relationship work. However, keep in mind that some teens might feel unsafe even having certain friends or family know that they are LGBTQ or in an LGBTQ couple, and it’s important to be sensitive to those concerns.
Many LGBTQ couples also face the choice of attending public events as a couple. Being out together doesn’t have to come all at once. Remember, coming out is a process, and sometimes it is wise to choose people who you think will honor and support your relationship.
“I feel lucky to be in a school where gay teens are really accepted,” says Kate, 18, from New York City. “I took my girlfriend to the prom and we had a great time. She goes to a school where some other students aren’t cool with her being bisexual, so I’m glad we can both support each other.”
In fact, one of the most important considerations is preparing yourself for others’ reactions. There are still many people who are uncomfortable with sexual minorities. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean that people will judge you any less.
Being an LGBTQ couple can be just as rewarding as being in any other relationship. Overcoming obstacles is part of helping us grow as individuals and couples.