by Amy Thomas, 05.02.03
While it feels great to be in love, the person you’re dating now might not necessarily be “the one.”
So you’re not the kind of girl who’s played “wedding” since the age of seven. Or you’re not a guy whose biggest fantasy is getting down on one knee with a big diamond ring and popping the question. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just because 2.4 million Americans tie the knot every year doesn’t mean everyone has to, or wants to, get married. In fact, there are some couples who want to get married but aren’t allowed to!
A Matter of Timing
A young person isn’t legally allowed to marry in most states before the age of 18 without parental permission. Nonetheless, many people start talking and dreaming about marriage at a young age. So, what’s the problem?
Even with permission, there are serious challenges to marrying young. Worldwide studies show that teen brides have less schooling, less independence, and less work experience than women who marry later. Teen brides also have a higher risk of being abused. What’s more, they have an increased divorce rate — half of teen marriages end in divorce within 15 years, compared to a third of couples who marry after the age of 20, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy.
None of this is to say marriage is the problem. But if visions of bridesmaids are dancing through your head — slow down! Most people have several relationships throughout their lives, and most teens don’t marry their first crush! And while it feels spectacular to be in love, the person you’re dating now might not necessarily be “the one.” As Bronwyn Mayden, the executive director of Campaign for Our Children, says, “If a relationship is right for you at 18, then it should still be right for you at 24.”
Why Marriage?
Our culture is obsessed with happy endings and believes that getting married can fix anything. Just look at “reality” shows like The Bachelor and Joe Millionaire and movies like Maid in Manhattan and Just Married. Their message is that getting married turns life into a fairy tale — which is dangerous because fairy tales have nothing to do with reality.
The fact is that most teen relationships — even the strongest ones — usually end. But even if they do last they don’t always need a trip down the aisle in order to be sanctified. In fact, people have all different kinds of ways of making a lifetime commitment to each other. Keep in mind, that although these commitments aren’t legally recognized, they have the potential of being just as challenging as an official marriage. Here are just a few examples:
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- Commitment ceremony — Couples formally proclaim their love without a legal marriage certificate.
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- Same Sex Civil Unions — In 1996, President Clinton signed into effect the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as “a legal union between one man and one woman” and spouse as “husband or wife of the opposite sex.” Although several states have gone to court for gay rights, Vermont is currently the only state that allows same-sex civil unions, which offer some but not all of the same benefits of marriage.
- Common Law Marriage — In 15 states, a couple can be legally married without a license or ceremony if they’re in a long-term relationship. But in seven other states, it’s against the law to cohabitate without being married!
The key word here is lifetime — and that’s a very long time, making the commitment a very serious decision. For teens, romantic relationships can begin and get serious very quickly. We think they will last forever. But they rarely do. Many people enjoy being in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to last forever — or that it should.
So take a deep breath, and put those wedding or alternative wedding plans on hold. “Singlehood” is another alternative to marriage — and one with a lot of benefits, too! Being single is not only normal, it can be healthy and empowering. And before you enter any relationship, short- or long-term, you need to be happy with yourself!
Whether you’re single, dating, or seeing someone exclusively, the most important thing is being secure with your status. Slow down. Enjoy! Just as there are no hard and fast rules for love, there are no guidelines or timelines when it comes to getting married.
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