f your parents can’t stand your new love, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Here’s what you should pay attention to when figuring out how to make it work for everybody.
If your parents don’t like your new boyfriend or girlfriend — even if you think he or she is the greatest thing since the discovery of fire — you’re going to have trouble. You might be punished if you date your new love. You might constantly sweat bullets from the stress of sneaking around.
The first thing to do is to try and see the situation from your parents’ perspective. The number one issue for them is your safety. “Teens need to understand that even good parents are scared to death,” says Donnie McKinney, a counselor at the teen-run online community Teenoutreach.com. “They are seeing their children gain independence and they’re driving around where they can’t protect them all the time. They can’t control who they hang around. So they panic. They’re not sure they adequately trained their kids. They’re scared their teens are going to ruin their lives. Teens would probably feel sorry for their parents, instead of being angry and hurt by them, if they just understood what makes them tick.”
Take this into consideration, even if you think your parents are overprotective. Have your parents seen your partner yell at you, hit you, or otherwise be disrespectful or threatening? In this realm, it’s a good idea not to have a knee-jerk “they-just-don’t-understand-my-love!” reaction, but to really consider if they’re seeing something that you’re not. We all want to be loved, and sometimes we’re willing to take what we can get, even from people who aren’t good for us.
But if that’s not the issue, you have to find out what is. Your parents are from a different generation, so they may have ideas about dating that won’t jibe with yours. This can play out in ways that a lot us don’t approve of: biases against people from other races, classes, or religions. The sad reality is that if you’re a biracial couple, someone somewhere is going to take issue with you. The same thing applies if you’re rich and he’s not, or she’s Muslim and you’re Jewish. If that “someone” is Mom or Dad, the best place to start would be to make clear to them that your boyfriend or girlfriend is no different from any other human being.
Teenoutreach’s McKinney advises hopefully, “Maybe they [your parents] can see their prejudices, logically, once their eyes are opened.” The best argument is that you like the person regardless of your superficial differences; you have found things in common that make you both happy. It’s a point you’re going to have to hammer home again and again.
It’s going to take persistence to make your parents believe that you’ve made the right decision, so make sure you’re committed to the relationship. And your parents must believe that you’re capable of making that decision. If they’ve seen you behave in mature and intelligent ways before, they’re going to be more willing to take your feelings into account and trust you.
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